Don’t forget Chicago
Restless and lethargic all at once. I want to write but I find it more difficult with each passing day; the days, I have noted, that continue to slip through me weeks at a time. Impossible. I am overwhelmed. Thoughts whirl around inside my head and escape out some invisible window I’ve accidentally left open. I can’t even catch one.
Everything moves too fast; the nights, the lessons, the paychecks. The people, contained and unconcerned, speed by with foggy faces. Empty smiles. I must be so forgettable. I am back wash, shallowing around their feet and outside their conversations.
Why am I so powerless? The sky circles above batty brash, mocking my immobility. I am paralyzed at asphalt’s bay. I need an angel at my elbow to remind me to move, to sing; remind me of my poetry that’s suffering, unborn. I must not forget Chicago. I must not forget to try. Despite the exponentially growing lists of things to do, the hindrance of obligations, school, work, Carlos, I cannot forget Chicago.
I am so fucking tired of all of my friends’ college shit
Everyone is moving on to better things and getting what they want.
I am stuck stagnant in this awful place doing the very thing I didn’t want to do. These are the EXACT circumstances that I was so terrified of but deep down knew would happen.
And everywhere I fucking go and every fucking conversation I hear it’s all about college: “Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” “What’s your dorm like?” blah blah blah.
FUCK.
I want to die. I feel so alone and so left out. I can’t explain it to anyone.
My best friend is leaving me, going to the college I was supposed to attend as well. WE were going to be roommates this year. It was all planned. I’m honestly heart broken beyond words.
I hate being poor.
I hate everything.
Sorry for the rant.
